Sunday, Jul 31, 2011

Sunday Salon: Rediscovery

Hello to my readers who have still kept me on their radar.  It’s been a long while since I have spent my Sunday updating my blog.  Oh… where to begin?

As you may have noticed, I have asked Temptation Designs to redesign the website.  Many thanks to the uber-talented Samantha for her work.  I hope that you enjoy the new format and design.

While Samantha was working away on the new look, I have been working on me.  My career has been keeping me ultra-busy.  At work, we’re in the midst of budget season right now, which means 10-12 hour days plus hours on the weekends.  It’s been good to be filled with a healthy workload to keep me focused on earning an income and supporting my family.  The work has also kept my mind off of me… my internal struggles and worrisome thoughts.  At least, during the hours that I’m working.

It’s still there.  The worry.  I realize that it is completely dependent upon the ego and so unconnected to my spirituality.  I’m filled with it.  Since I lost my job in 2008, over the past 3 years, I have undergone a multitude of changes.  Some for the better and some for the worse.  A Novel Menagerie stemmed from my unemployment as a means to find a way to connect with what I love and share myself with the world.  It carried my spirits high as it fostered creative juices and gave me an outlet to communicate who I was and what I had to offer with the world.  During this time, I went back to school and worked part-time.  I was eventually re-employed in 2009 and from there, life has continued to offer me a series of hills to climb ever since.

I realize that I am like so many other Americans right now suffering in this seemingly non-recoverying economy.  I have tried my best to hold onto my house, repay my debts, and crawl out of the vast darkness that the long term of unemployment that I endured.  Being a single mom of twin girls, I felt as though I didn’t have any other option but than to keep crawling forward and trying my best to do what I could to provide for my girls.  However, despite the forward motion… the steps that I’ve taken and the accomplishments that have been achieved, a big part of me feels stuck in that place where all was lost… the job, the man, the success.

I’ve been told over and over again that work doesn’t define who you are.  I’ve been reminded that life is a journey filled with highs and lows.  At times, it just seems that the last three years have held more lows for me than highs.  There has been a restart button pressed on my career.  Despite that, I’ve been financially unsucessful in catching up with my debt.  My mortgage company has elected to terminate my loan modification, despite my regular payments.  My creditors have accepted minimum payments, but I can’t keep atop of it all.  I am now… bankrupt.  I’ve worked since I was 16 years old.  Except for the recent period of unemployment, I have always worked.  I have always managed to pay my bills and keep atop of everything.  Now I sit here and I cannot believe that I am bankrupt… fully financial and significantly emotionally. 

Papers have been filed, that and my life remains in the sole hands of God.  I pray that the attorneys that I’ve been placed with will look out for the girls, the pets and I.  I desperately reach out to the heavens and ask for relief and safety.  I relate to the hundreds of thousands of Americans who have lost their careers and homes.  I know that I am not alone.   But, that doesn’t heal the wounds any faster.   It’s not necessarily the loss of the material possessions that causes the pain.  It is more the uncertainty of my safety and the fear that the home that I’ve worked so hard to build will be lost. 

My family has shown me support and I know that they will be there for me as I navigate this winding road.  But, I am still terrified.   This is all back to that word… worry.  Ego won’t allow my spirit to shine through and drive my life.  Ego will let my body and mind be filled with worry.  So, it has been a world filled with work, worry, and saddness.  I’ve talked to friends, counselors, and the like… and, yet the sorrow keeps overshadowing the life that I’m supposed to be living right now.  It’s a waste of life.  I know it and I feel it.

God has whispered in my ear and shouted to from the mountains to me that it is time to climb out of that fear and worry.  He is calling my spirit back to the woman he created me to be.     Now, I have to begin again.  It’s time to rediscover the simple joys in life.  The bells are ringing for me to awaken and organize myself.  It is my prayer for the depression and anxiety to be lifted.

Part of my prayer and my hope is that I rediscover my passion for writing, that I am able to recommit myself to reading, writing, and discovering.  For those who I’ve grown to know via A Novel Menagerie… it is my hope that this is just the re-beginning of our connection.

Thank you for allowing me back and have a blessed week…

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