ABC’s Creating The Drama To Pull In The Ratings

How many times have you seen the commercial for tonight’s episode?  You know, the one where all of the women are assassignating Rozlyn’s character?  I must have seen the advertisements several dozen times in the past few days.  All I can say is, “Those in glass houses…”

"Yes, Chris... I'm happy."

As we started off tonight’s episode, Chris Harrison announces that this was the most “dramatic” season ever.  Can we just identify and utilize a new adjective at this point?  I’m serious.  How about “theatrical” or ”sensational”?  After we are thoroughly convinced that there could be nothing more dramatic than this show, Harrison plays a clip of him hosting an on-camera interview with Jake.  During this interview, they concentrate on Tenley, Vienna and Ali.  Jake watches the footage of when he and Tenley discovered identical messages in the custom made fortune cookies and said they were a “match made in heaven.”    When asked about how he feels about seeing Ali again, he looked like he was about to burst out in tears and said, “I don’t know.  I don’t know.” 

(*hmmm… sounds like my guesses from the past two weeks may be on the right track… *)

I encourage ABC to reconsider their staffing of writers for this show.  In addition to the word “dramatic” they also recycle “controversial” annually.  This time it was used to describe the upcoming appearance of “Television’s Most Controversial Person of All 2010.”  Did Mike Fleiss want to remind his proof-readers and AP’s that it’s only February 2010 and that Rozlyn had maybe 1 day on Extra and ET?  She’ll be remembered, perhaps, in the “Best of 2010″ recaps at the end of the year… maybe.  But, she’s a flash in the pan, like Wes of Jillian’s season. 

Speaking of Wes, the cheatin’ bastard…  ABC spent entirely too much time providing footage of post season’s cast members partying it up in Vegas and on a cruise ship.  There appeared to be more hook-ups than an Alaskan season of salmon fishing.   Wes was to be found amongst the crowd bragging about his sexual appeal to the ladies.   After I barfed,  I wondered how many records he’s selling in Mexico this year.

Too offset the booze, sex and rock n’ roll, ABC then decided to preach to its audience about the importance of charitable work.   It was nice to watch, but a total waste of my time.  I really don’t need to watch Deanna Pappas chasing around a 10-year old Jose with a rose.  (*aren’t there laws about that?*)

O.K., so ABC & Mike Fleiss… let’s recap where we’ve just wasted an hour of your audience’s lives on:

• The Bachelor is DRAMATIC
• Stay tuned because the most “CONTROVERSIAL” person of 2010 will be on soon (*i wonder if Sarah Palin would agree?*)
• All of our cast rejectees are actually having a ton of fun partying it up while not in committed relationships
• Save-The-Date-Card for our frig’s:  Jason & Molly are getting married in two weeks
• Jake is obviously alone and this season was a complete waste of our time.
• P.S. Don’t forget to donate your time to charities

Moving further into the commercial-packed episode, my favorite comments from the ladies were the ones of them teasing Tenley.  Specifically one said that she “sh*ts rainbows” and Vienna said, “I think she might dream in cartoons.”  (*whistle while you work…. la la la la la la*)  Some of the ladies defended Vienna after crapping on her all season by saying, “She’s only 23 years old” and “She is a good person.”  Gia defended her by saying that some of her immaturity doesn’t make her unworthy of finding love with a great man.  I couldn’t agree more.

While panning across the bevy of beauties and their interviews, I kept going back to Kiss-Me-Not-Elizabeth’s chest.  I’m nearly certain she’s had a re-do and enlargement.   In addition, Harrison interviewed Crazy-Pants-Michelle and asked her (and the women) if ABC correctly portrayed her personality.  She down-played it, but Valisha called her out on it and told her “Maybe you’re a little emotionally unstable.”  (*that’s putting it mildly ’cause I can see the bunny boilin’*)

Eventually we get to Ali’s interview in which she basically admitted that she’d make a mistake and, YES, if she could do it over again she would.  But, she honestly thought that since Jake is a pilot that he’d come and find her if it was true love.  (*contractually is he allowed to do that?  we should ask Rozlyn the contract expert*)  Ali attempts to make amends to Vienna for being so out-right rude to her.   Specifically,  she regretted the comment that she made about Vienna having the 1-on-1 with Jake.   Ali admitted that she was disappointed in her actions.  (*i wonder if the producers directed her to say this so that she can gain fan favor before she stars as The Bachelorette?*)  She specifically apologized to Vienna and expressed that nobody deserves to be trashed like that in the tabloids and encouraged Vienna to “stay strong.”  When Harrison inquired if she would do things differently if she could go back in time, she replied, “Knowing what I know now, yes.”  (*you mean knowing that Jake picked nobody and is pining away for you?  or, Jake dumped Vienna and is pining away for you?  or, that you need to say this to gain fan favor so you can be the next Bachelorette?*)

The PA finally brings out Rozlyn.  As she makes her way down the hallway, she hears applause and comments, “I’m assuming that cheering was not for me.”  Rozlyn Papa (RP) and Chris Harrison (CH) have a battle of the wits.  But, much of the conversation has been so widely publicized in the media that there was really nothing new to learn.  To save you valuable minutes of your life, here are the highlights of the verbal smackdown:

* CH asks RP a series of rapid-fire questions…

  – Did you meet him in your hometown?  Yes, but there was nothing inappropriate about it.

  – Did anything happen?  No.

  - Did you meet him in a LA Hotel room and have inappropriate behavior?  Absolutely not.

  - So, you’re saying this is more of a friendship? Absolutely.

* After every person speaks, Roz’s standard answer is either “no,” “absolutely not,” or “on my child’s life absolutely not.”  (*later Jessie swears on her dog’s life that she saw them on the stairs making me ponder… dog’s life…? child’s life…? dog’s life…?  child’s life…?*)

* The women basically state that there were 3 “inappropriate behaviors:”

  1.  She was touching his thigh while they sat on a couch.

  2.  She was on the couch on all 4′s with her butt up in the air asking for “the staffer” to take her to bed.

  3.  She was caught making out on the staircase with “staffer.”

  4.  She was missing from her room at night and couldn’t be found.

The man who needed to take her butt to bed.

(*why on earth are we still calling him a staffer?  everybody knows it’s Ryan Callahan.  chris, just google it!*)

* RP says to CH, “Riddle me this, Chris… ” before she asks him why nothing was captured on tape.  She points out contract issues.  CH tells RP that it’s not a Las Vegas Casino open 24-hours a day and that they don’t have cameras on all the time because they were afraid of people stealing anything.

*She fires back with a comment that “staffer” claims that CH hit on his wife in New Zealand but CH doesn’t want to dignify that comment with an answer.

 

* CH likens his conversation with RP to the ones he has with his sometimes dream-like, imagnitive son when he brings up unicorns and tells her “I hope you learned a life lesson and will become a better person.  

I think a friend of mine best summed up the entire situation when she said, “I think they were friends and that the other women assumed too much.  Then, the story got out of control.”  I wonder if my friend should sit down with CH and explain that?  (*sorry, Chris!*)

(*at this point, I’m clicking back and forth between this and the bedazzled costumes of the Olympic ice-dancing competition which was far more entertaining*)

When Jake sees the ladies, he tells Gia that he was sorry and that his “heart was crying” when he said good-bye to her on the bench.  He practically bursts out in tears about Ali and tells her, “I’m sorry.  I think you are one of the most amazing women I’ve ever met and you’ll always have a friend no matter what.”  (*“never had a friend, never had a friend, like me!”  oh, snap! Tenley, get out of my head!*)

Chris Harrison asks Jake the same question that he’s asked every Bachelor and Bachelorette for years, “Are you happy?”  

She doesn't look very happy to me.

And, the always-to-be-expected-answer, “Yes, I am happy.”

(*good, now back to ice dancing and ski jumping… much more “dramatic”!!!*) 

 Stay tuned for next week’s review!

But, before I do… just another picture of the guy that Roz Papa chose over Jake:

"Karate.... CHOP! Aha! Take that, Harrison... you wife-flirter'er!"

 For prior week’s recaps:

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