Saturday, Jan 2, 2010

The Sunday Salon: Rantings of An Unhinged Mother!!!

OK… so what’s up with Christmas and kids?  You’d think that, by now, I’d be used to the “ME ME ME” of the holiday.  Sadly, I am not.

Let me begin by sharing with you that  I am constantly annoyed, as I sit in dismay, when I watch my daughters rip through the wrapped packages at the speed of light.  Have they no consideration for all of those wasted hours, trapped in a room.. alone.. with nothing but scotch tape and a lingering backache?  Perhaps I should just give them their gifts next year in a grocery bag and save myself the painstaking agony of wrapping.  Then, the wonder twins can go as fast as they want.  What would I care?  Just imagine, I’d being helping the environment and sparing my old aching body simultaneously.  Is there such a thing as virtual wrapping?  If not, I should invent it.  That just might work, too.

I have to admit that really my girls are quite thankful for all the gifts they receive.  They verbally thank others, and occasionally me, with enthusiasm.  But, it’s like pulling teeth to get them to write thank you notes.  I’m thinking of locking them in my bathroom with a box of thank you cards.   Once a note is finished, they can slide it under the door to me.  Only after I’ve accounted for all the required cards will I release them back into the wild.  After all, in the bathroom they have no excuse to leave… right?  There’s water and a potty.  Good enough for the savages, I say.

Moving onto gift cards.  Why is it that children must rush out, at the first possible moment, to spend their gift cards?  It’s as if they truly believe that if they wait, their hair may fall out.  Or maybe they think that the cards will vanish into thin air.  Perhaps the stores will run out of inventory?  Honestly, I don’t understand their sense of urgency.  Let me share my story with you… the tale of the day that the gift cards must be spent or they would surely disintegrate.

I left the house for work at 7:45am and returned around 6:30pm.  Lest not forget that I endure LA Traffic.   The fauna begged and pleaded that I take them to the mall after work.  I reluctantly relented only under the terms that the house must be clean and their chores must be completed by the time I came home.  There was no way they could accomplish it.  Self-sabotage is their very nature.     The absolute last thing in the world that I want to do after a day like that is go to the uber-crowded  Apple Store at South Coast Plaza.  Yet, I do.   I have to.  You see, to my dismay, everything was done.  Being a self-donned “wonderful mother,” I must honor my word, so we were off. 

Have you been to a busy Apple Store in a major metropolitan area?  Unless you absolutely have to, don’t do it!  Chose a soothing pedicure or a nap.  Believe me when I tell you that the random insanity is overwhelming.  Not to mention, I cannot believe how many people work there and you still cannot get help.  Through the pandemonium, we complete our mission.  After a quick stop at Border’s to grab a “quick-coffee-blended-creation-to-go,” (which, by the way… have you ever noticed that it is NEVER quick in coffee stores) we are headed for home.  HOME… where my slippers and fat-pants await my arrival patiently… where my soft yellow Labrador is ready to snuggle… where my bottle of Chardonnay is chilling in the frig.

Even though the sounds of home were calling my name, it happened.  As we exited the mall, they saw it.   NO!  In big glaring white and blue were the letters: O L D  N A V & Y.  I remember the time, to be exact 8:21pm.  The beasts begged and pleaded with the faces of lambs for me to cram in “just one more errand” to spend those gift cards burning a hole in their pocket.  I’m toast.

Circa: Old Navy.  We peruse the disgustingly disorganized clearance racks.  Why do people just drop clothes on the floor?  I always wonder if there is a bargain down there.  Just picture: Super-Mom is lugging, like a llama, a heavy purse and two FILLED Old Navy shopping net-bags.  I kid you not… there were NO shopping carts at this Old Navy.  (What the heck?)  Of course the whippersnappers wait until they turn off 75% of the lights in the store before their migration to the dressing rooms.  Then, its a mad-rush to decide what to get.  Clothes were being hurled at me from above the dressing room doors like it was hailing jeans. 

“MMMOOOOMMMMMM… can you hang these up and put them away?”

“MMMOOOOMMMMMM… these are the keepers.  Put them in my bag!”

“Hurry, Mmmoooommmmm!”

What?  Oh no, she did not just say that!

After some major financial planning at the cash registers (thank God I just finished my accounting certification), we attempt to pay for our items.  Now, this is a science in itself because you get 10% off of the entire purchase if you use your Old Navy Credit Card; this is considerable since the girls had $100 worth of stuff a piece.  But, it has to be over $100 to use the Christmas gift card for this plan to work.  Yada Yada Yada.  It’s as if you need a degree in cash register software to make this stuff function.  I kid you not, 25 minutes at the register… AND they were closed! We exit, 19 items richer and 1 Mommy depleted.

By the time we arrive back home it is 10pm.  Did I mention that one of the peeps used her cards to get an iPod Touch?  Oh, yes she did.  And, did you know that the iPod Touch is basically a mini-netbook of sorts?  You can email, text, browse the web, download “apps” (it’s too exhausting, apparently, to say the entire word) in addition to accessing the iTunes Store.  My condition of purchasing this gadget is that I have to first set the restrictions and install parental control apps.  Of course, my iTunes software was tweaked in some small way and I had to uninstall 6 programs, reboot, and reinstall even before I could do the parental stuff.  I dare to ask, “Can we do this tomorrow?”  Then it came… THE FACE.

“I guess  so.”

(pause and sigh)

“If we have to.”

(lips tremble)

“It’s just that I really wanted to play with it tonight…. AND you are going to be gone at work tomorrow all day… AND we are going to Papa & Nana’s tomorrow… AND we won’t be home until 9 o’clock!”

(takes a breath)

“Mom, pleassssseeee?”

Oh, GOD!  So the mind-bender sits beside me on the ground, hypnotized by the glow of the computer screen, wrapped in a blanket, with a sleeping dog beside her.  That’s right… my soft yellow lab was snuggling with the enemy!  Guess when I finished?  1:30AM.  By the time I wound down and got to sleep it’s 2:30am… and I have to work the next day! 

Do you think she’s thankful?  When she’s playing with that gizmo, I don’t dare to believe that she’s thinking of me.  Not for a second!  Do you think she’s finished her thank you cards for the gadget?  Uh, NO!

It’s a vicious cycle, this holiday giving thing.  It’s time for me to plan something so diametrically different for Christmas 2010 that they won’t know what hit them.  Let the master planning begin.  

This is my plea… “All mothers unite!  Help me devise a plan which shall shock and dismay them!”  After all, we MOMS are the more intelligent species.  Leave me a note or drop me a line… let your creative genius soar!  I need you.

Onto my weekly reading update…

This Week’s Reads

This week, I reviewed: 

In Case You Missed It…

I’ve also posted my TOP TEN BOOKS OF 2009!

In My Mailbox for Review

I received some goodies for upcoming TLC Book tours:

 

On TV 

All I can say is… “When does The Bachelor start?”

The Rest… 

In the spirit of the holidays, I’d like to extend a very special “thank you” to all the bloggers who have been there for me this year.  Your encouragement and kind words meant so much to me.  Also, thank you to the readers and visitors of the website.  AND, thank you all for being so patient with me while I had to juggle school with a full time job, part time job and the dynamic duo!  I know I was M.I.A.

I would also like to express my gratitude to the publishers and authors who provided me with such terrific books to review.  I’m spoiled beyond words to have my relationship with you.  A very special “thank you” to Miriam… you’ll always be my Fairy Book-Godmother.

Now let’s have a great 2010!           

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