Does She?

I wasn’t one of the lucky ones.   In this lifetime I wasn’t the girl who would come by love easily and I certainly am not fortunate enough to have been able to make it last.  For as long as I can remember, my broken spirit lie adrift in  a sea of mistakes.  After my first true and young love, every attempt I made at knowing it again was met with failure.   But, as fate would have it… I was given another shot at it.  Most days it feels as if it were my last. 

My love for him came slowly then crashed over me like a tidal wave.  I didn’t know how to stop it, control it, nor confine it despite my attempts to do so.   I certainly enjoyed the free fall into it and I didn’t stop for a second to insert any logic whatsoever.  Within months and then days, he was a part of my home, my family.  He became to my children the present father they never had.  He became to me somebody to love with a full heart.  

It wasn’t just the romance, although that was so pure and fun.  It was this energy in between that spoke amongst us.  It was in the way that we always had to be touching even for the smallest events.  Albeit he was handsome by society’s standards, to me he was gorgeous in his human flaws.  We quickly became playmates and found so much joy in exploring things together.  As we made memories, we formed traditions that quickly were integrated and became a part of “us.”  From the smallest foot-fights under the covers to the sweeping sunsets at the beach, there was never a soul that I ever found as much comfort in as his.   

I’m used to my destructiveness, but I guess that others aren’t as quite as immune.  Within us both, pains rose to the surface to be healed.  Yet, I failed miserably.  Strapped with a fear disguised as control,  I destroyed that bridge between our souls brick by brick, stone by stone.  For every ounce of destruction that I brought, our souls fought me to remain together.  So, we tried again and again with no regard for making logic prevalent.  Like invisible magnets, time lost meaning as we always found a way back to each other.  As our dance continued on, somewhere inside myself I knew he’d grown weary.  I knew he’d had enough.  But, I haven’t let go… not then and not now. 

He’s finally healed… or so he says.  I know that he must miss me because I feel him in the dark of night and the recesses of my heart.   I feel his thoughts  when I see the little things that meant so much to us.   I ache for him endlessly when I lie in bed and can’t crawl onto his side.  But, he’s logical and I’m emotional.  I would give anything to have another moment, another minute, another day… But, he’s moved on.   He told me so… even after I told him how sorry I was and how much he was missed… and how much my arms ached for him.

I saw her in the photograph… beside him. 

Does she know that she’s living the life that was supposed to be mine? 

Does she feel my ghost?

Does she know that I still feel it when he is thinking of me?

Does she realize that her love will always be compared to mine?

Will she ever come to love him as much as I still do today?

Will he love her as much as he loved me? 

Or, will she just simply replace me in his heart?

Will I find a way to make peace with this… 

                will it ever stop hurting…

                            the loss of my one true love…

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