Monday, Jan 12, 2009

Dear Mr. Pedicure

Dear Mr. Pedicure,

I first wanted to thank you for blessing us with your presence at Happy Nails Salon.  Seeing as it’s primarily a place for us gals to escape our men and normal lives, it’s such a pleasure to have you come and visit our Estrogen Den.  I mean, without your  hairy legs, pungent smell, hideous looks and over-grown, yellowing toenails, our experience wouldn’t have been complete. 

I especially would like to thank you for giving me the nastiest glares humanly possible as I walked past you to the front door while trying to calm a fussy baby.  You know, without those glares I don’t think that I would have actually noticed that the 18 pound baby I had been holding for well over an hour was crying.  I also wanted to thank you for the helpful reminder that you were sitting by the front door, so that every time I entered and exited I had felt your gentle ease and overflowing sense of joy about the baby being there with us all.

Mr. Pedicure, I realize that you came out of the womb a grown man and have never  given another human being as much as a moment of unquiet.  No, this you would never do, I know.  I also wanted to thank you for the reminder that you gave all us gals that an $18 pedicure means never having to tolerate another human being.  Perhaps your lady love should have splurged and spent that extra $5 for the longer massage just to give you that extra sumthin’ special because YOU DESERVE IT!

Oh, and I wanted to thank you on behalf of my sister.  You know, considering she has been trying to cope with a sick, crying baby for an entire week, while she herself and her husband were also sick, you know I am quite sure that she just really appreciated your tolerance and understanding as well.  Sharing your public space was so generous of you. 

I wish I had gotten your number!  I’m just not sure that my nails would be happy if you weren’t there the next time I went in for my mani/pedi.  You know, every time I go, I give the evil eye to every mother in there, as well.  Like you, I was ejected from the womb a grown woman and really cannot even fathom my $35 of peace to be so much as slightly marred by the presence of an infant.  I mean, you’re right… “it’s great to hate!”  Why didn’t I think of that sooner?  I’m having a tee-shirt made… want to share in the proceeds?

Oh, and for your lady love, I just pray that she is one of those women who can push out those full-grown children for ya’!  I’d hate to see your life even slightly interrupted by so much as a tear. 

Only my best to you, big boy! 

Sheri

p.s. Just a tip, from one hater to another, avoid McDonalds, Target, WalMart, PizzaHut, and public parks… them babies are EVERYWHERE!

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