Today was a day that I want to forget, but never will.  It was one of the most painful days of my life that rendered me feeling completely worthless.  How could I have attached so much of my self worth to a career?  Looking back, I ask myself so many questions.  I’m such a fool.

One thing that I learned today is that my children are the most important thing in my life.  I mean, I always knew it and said it, but today I felt it.  When I came home from a very difficult day today, I had to tell them how things panned out for us as we’re on the verge of losing our home.  When I spoke to them, suddenly I spoke from this very honest and vulnerable place inside my soul.  I wasn’t the brave mom who kept everything bottled up.  When I spoke with them, I told them the truth (to the appropriate degree) and tears started streaming down my face.  I have failed them. 

Both of them, now 5′2″ a piece, embraced me with the most loving hug I think I’ve ever felt in my life.  The three of us stood there in the hallway holding each other in one big embrace as tears streamed down our faces.  We just held each other for the longest time.  At that moment, I realized that nobody loved me more than they did.  I realized at that very moment what true love was… it is not what I thought it was.  It was a revelation for me that I never expected.  I didn’t think I could love my children any more than I already did… but, I do.  I love them more than ever.  I think there was a disconnect there between us and it fused tonight.  It’s us against the world, we are a team… we are a family… nobody can tear us apart.

In facing our future, financially, I am frought with fear.  It’s funny how money changes people, and I’m not exempting myself from the equation.  Look at the difference of how you behave when you have it and how you are when you don’t.  It so affects the psyche!  I wish there were an easier way of living in which money wasn’t the root of all evil.  It is what kills peace, in my opinion.  I believe that my parents controlled me with money.  They showed their affection with money.  And, that is not to say that we were rich.  But, every positive emotion from them came in the form of something monetary.  When they were unhappy, they pulled back money/support.   I wonder if that history had something to do with my adult life and some of the decisions that I’ve made of late, including the people that I surrounded myself with.

I grew up in a family devoid of hugs and kisses, tears and laughs.  We were a family stifled by fear and riddled with judgment.   With that fear came control and that very same control is something that I have issues with today.  I’ve been working on my “control issues” for some time now.  Things are better, but not where they should be.  My personality, as my brother tells me, is “intense.”  If that is true, how does an intense person relinquish control… really… I want to know.

I’ve been changing in these past six months, but I don’t think that God is done molding me at this juncture yet.  I had hoped that he was done, but apparently there’s still some work there to be done.  I hope that He finishes up soon and sets me on a wonderful journey and on a road of financial stability.  I know that He will, I feel Him inside me.  I have this inner voice that I believe is His, showing me that I must rely on my faith.  I know that I’m here to learn and understand.  I know that it is through these life experiences that he is preparing me for Heaven.  He will take care of us, He will not let us fall, and most of all it is His will that will be done.  In the meantime, I’m keeping my head down and continuing to work at finding a suitable job to support my family.

Thank you for letting me share.

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