Thursday, Nov 6, 2008

Is My Life… An Open Book?

Where is the band-aid when it’s your heart that hurts?

Being an adult, I realize that there are many ups and downs in life.  I’m old enough to know that some people come and go and others stay.  I’m young enough to know that I have so much more to learn about others, in addition to myself.  I’m smart enough to know that some people can’t be trusted, no matter how much you want to.  I’m naive enough to think that love can mend all pains… because, for me, in my life, it can’t.

When you’re hurting… who do you turn to?  Is it God?  Your husband?  Your sister?  Best friend?  Mom?  Who is it that puts that band-aid on your heart?  Do the really big “boo-boos” ever go away?

I’ve had some very big boo-boos on my heart this year.  Many, I am still not quite recovered from.  I feel better, but I don’t think that I’ll be back to the woman I was a year ago today.  I think that the time and distance from the people and events that created the damage has helped me to release my pre-occupation with it.  But, all it takes is somebody bringing them up and it’s like a fresh wound, cut open in my heart. 

When I started this website, I had just crossed paths with Lisa.  She was telling me about her website.  I had told her that I have been doing NOTHING BUT reading and that I like to write… that maybe I should try it.  The name for my blog came to me that day… just in that one conversation with her.  I never knew, that day, what book reviewing and writing would become to me.  At the time, it felt, to me, to be a safe place and a new energy to start a new aspect to my dismal (and, at the time very dark) life.  Since I haven’t been able to secure a new job, it became the one thing that I looked forward to the most.  And, it has helped me soooo much.  I feel this sense of creative release in the reading and writing that comes along with being a blogger.  And, as I’ve mentioned in my recent posts… getting to know y’all has been really cathartic.  Also, I have learned a lot about being a mother through this experience.  You people out there are GREAT moms!

This down economy was the worst time, ever, for me to lose my 6-figure income job.  With no family, a mortgage, and 2 kids to support on my own, I have been strapped with fear and financial distress.  I’ve suffered financial contracts not being fulfilled and surviving has been extremely difficult.  My health has been severely compromised and is still taking considerable time to recover.  So, the reason for this post?  I’m hurt.  I have written things in my blog… and, they have been misconceived and misconstrued.  People who, frankly, I see no reason why they would even read my blog, have apparently arrived at opinions about my life that are completely false.  This blog is not an open book to my life or my heart… just parts of me that are ready to express myself despite the situation that I am faced with.  

Of late, I’ve heard that some people believe that I’m just hanging out at home and writing.  That’s simply not the case.  I look for another job, every day.  And, it kills me inside not to have one…  All I’ve ever known, for the past 24 years, is working and studying.  I’ve never been out of work for longer than 6 weeks, in my life!  (Well, besides bed rest with the twins.. but, that was a pregnancy thing).  I’ve been out of work now for almost 7 months.  Work was how I defined myself as a person… if I could support my kids and maintain our house, then I was a worthy person.  If I could bring financial success or career building to others, that was great, too.  But, all that I saw was myself as a business-woman.  I was so focused and determined on my work.  I sacrificed so much of my life with my children for my career.  I worked INSANE hours, and constantly had the laptop and cell phone attached to my body.  I miss working.  I miss many parts of the old me.  I miss the people that I called “friends.”  But, I have to believe that there is a greater purpose for my life and God is just molding me and shaping me for such.

A Novel Menagerie was created to be a menagerie of posts… some about books and others about my personal life.  I won’t let the opinions of a few get in the way of my happiness in writing my blog.  And, the band-aid to this hurt was writing this post and will be in my prayers tonight.  Thanks for letting me vent!

Hey… tomorrow is the announcement of the winners for the Book Carnival.

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